Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dee doo
Why are we orange, what are we to do?
Oompa, Loompa, doom-pa-dah dee
Once we were not as you now see.
Why are we here to work in this - muck?
Which smells like it's from a garbage - truck!
Why do we make this for people to eat?
Don't they know that it's - not - a - treat?
Not to us,
Not to us,
Not to us,
Not to us,
Not to Oompa Loompas!
Oompa, Loompa, doopity dight
Now our skin is orange and tight,
Plus our eyebrows have turned white.
That's the Oompa Loompa's plight.
Didn't Willy know that we might react,
to this goop that smells like a yak?
We make it into bars and other snacks.
While new growths come out - on - our - backs. (something like a camel)
Oompa, Loompa,
Don't get in a snit,
Because we're allergic to chocolate.
We'll keep making it just for you
'Cause that's what Oompa Loompas loompadees Do!
December 06, 2005
Lost Song of The Oompa Loompas
During renovations of the vast Wonka factory, old recordings were found in the former Oompa Loompa dormitory. These tapes contain songs like the one below that have never been heard by non-Oompa ears. It is sung to the same tune as all the other Oompa Loompa songs.
November 17, 2005
Densans for Mensans
I am on an e-mail group with a bunch of Mensans where a recent topic led to several of them revealing that they removed their Mensa membership from resumes lest they be thought of as "overqualified". Many also do not mention it to folks unless they are sure of a friendly reception. Since I like to joke that I am a Densan, I posted this...
Press Release
November 11, 2005Rochester Hills, Michigan - American Densa Inc. today announced a new program called "Densans for Mensans". This effort will reach out to the unfairly traumatized 2% of the population that faces intellectual discrimination.
"The consequences can be very sad," says Keith Hughes, President of American Densa. "These are our most intelligent, our most gifted individuals. It is because of people like them that we sent a man to the moon, mastered flight, and have green ketchup."
"But the discrimination that society's brightest stars face when they admit that they are members in Mensa is shocking. Many hide the fact that they are Mensans. These poor individuals keep Mensa membership off their resume, to avoid the stigma of being called ‘over qualified’.""Many Mensans act ‘normal’ to try to fit in, ending sentences with prepositions and saying ‘ain't’ all day long. But many lead a double life. At night they sneak out to grammar bars to argue comma usage and punctuation placement."
"Some cannot stand the strain and drop out entirely. Larry was a leading Mensan in the Detroit area. He was involved in Mensa regional groups and national gatherings, but then the troubles began. It began with '‘smarty pants'’ spray-painted on his garage door, and quickly escalated to a semi-colon being burned on his lawn in the dead of night. Now Larry has dropped off the grid and is working under an assumed name as a garbage man in California."
To combat this problem American Densa is providing education and information to raise Mensan awareness. This includes a short video entitled "How to love a Mensan". Classes that are also offered include "Support your Mensan: The Nod-And-Smile Method", "Enduring Buzzwords: What To Do When A Mensan Talks Over Your Head", and "2% vs. 98%: Why Can’t We All Just Get Along?" For a complete schedule visit www.AmericanDensa.org.
American Densa Ltd. is an organization that recognizes that average intelligence is a gift, too. Through a celebration of mediocre thought, Densans impact society with half-baked ideas and philosophies that will be around for years. Most politicians and TV anchormen are members of Densa. For membership information visit www.AmericanDensa.org.
(NOTE: The website mentioned above is fictional and does not exist. Yet.)
November 01, 2005
The Top 10 Things I Hate About The Office
Like many people I work in an office, and most offices are unique sub-cultures filled with really annoying people. This is my top 10 list of things that I hate about the office.
10. People who don't make more coffee when they empty the pot, they just turn off the burner. Apparently these bozos think that once they are done drinking coffee, we're all done. Well I got news for you, I'm not done drinking coffee!
9. PEOPLE WHO SHOUT IN THEIR EMAILS
8. people who whisper in their e-mails
7. People who like to talk too much. I mean I just go to the lunch room to get some coffee when I get waylaid by some jerk who can't wait to tell me old, stale stories I've already heard about his wife and kids. He just goes on and on until my coffee is cold and I am ready to shout "Fire!" just to get away. Then he pauses, and just when I think I can finally escape he takes a deep breath and comes up with a whole new line of thought about what a pain it is to put the TPS reports together and why putting the cover page on is so important...
6. Dirty dishes left in the lunchroom sink. Hello! Does your mother work here? Do you think that the dish fairy is going to come tonight, wash your stuff, and leave it on your desk?
5. People who put food down the lunchroom sink even though it does not have a disposal. Hello! All that standing water is not some new water conservation measure. It's there because you plugged up the sink, you idiot!
4. Why is the printer always out of paper when I print a document?!?
3. We can put a man on the moon, but we can't heat or cool an office building properly. Why do we freeze in the summer and boil in the winter? Is this how janitors get even?
2. People who lower the height of my chair when I'm away from my desk. Some people might like to tuck their knees under their chin when they work, but I am not one of them.
1. Anyone who comes up to me at the end of the day and says "Can you stay late and get this done? I forgot it was an emergency."
10. People who don't make more coffee when they empty the pot, they just turn off the burner. Apparently these bozos think that once they are done drinking coffee, we're all done. Well I got news for you, I'm not done drinking coffee!
9. PEOPLE WHO SHOUT IN THEIR EMAILS
8. people who whisper in their e-mails
7. People who like to talk too much. I mean I just go to the lunch room to get some coffee when I get waylaid by some jerk who can't wait to tell me old, stale stories I've already heard about his wife and kids. He just goes on and on until my coffee is cold and I am ready to shout "Fire!" just to get away. Then he pauses, and just when I think I can finally escape he takes a deep breath and comes up with a whole new line of thought about what a pain it is to put the TPS reports together and why putting the cover page on is so important...
6. Dirty dishes left in the lunchroom sink. Hello! Does your mother work here? Do you think that the dish fairy is going to come tonight, wash your stuff, and leave it on your desk?
5. People who put food down the lunchroom sink even though it does not have a disposal. Hello! All that standing water is not some new water conservation measure. It's there because you plugged up the sink, you idiot!
4. Why is the printer always out of paper when I print a document?!?
3. We can put a man on the moon, but we can't heat or cool an office building properly. Why do we freeze in the summer and boil in the winter? Is this how janitors get even?
2. People who lower the height of my chair when I'm away from my desk. Some people might like to tuck their knees under their chin when they work, but I am not one of them.
1. Anyone who comes up to me at the end of the day and says "Can you stay late and get this done? I forgot it was an emergency."
September 02, 2005
Krazy Karaoke - Pump It!
This song was inspired by the ever-rising price of gas.
To be sung to the tune of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson.
To be sung to the tune of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson.
I'm standing at the pump, can't believe what I see.
Just the other day the price was two-fifty.
But now it's three-twelve and killing me
So pump it, just pump it! Whoo!Remember in the day when we paid one-ten?
We'll never see those happy days again.
But I sit and reminisce about the prices then,
And pump it, I pump itChorus
Just pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it
If ya don't like it you can lump it. (boo hoo!)
Go fill your tank today while you can,
Who knows if its ever going to end.
Just pump it.
Just pump it.
Just pump it.The oil companies are losing their shirt,
After all they have to get the stuff from dirt!
So fill up your tank and don't you shirk
Just pump it, go pump it!Don't blame it on Katrina or the government, too.
We still pay less than the British do.
So fill your SUV and try to get a clue,
Go pump it, just pump it!Chorus
Go pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it
Every fill-up brings excitement.
Don't like price then just wait a bit,
It'll go up ten cents in a couple minutes.
Just pump it.
Just pump it.
Just pump it.Using lots of gas is the American way,
We drive around in our big cars every day.
All-time highs are the price that we pay,
So pump it, go pump it.I need a big raise or a second job.
Should I get a Beetle or a diesel Saab?
Maybe a car that will run on corn cobs?
Just pump it, go pump itChorus
Go pump it, pump it, pump it, pump it
If ya don't like it you can lump it. (boo hoo!)
Fill up your car 'cause you never know,
How much you'll pay come tomorrow.
Just pump it.
Just pump it.
Just pump it.
August 18, 2005
"Read"
A friend recently told me about a soap he had seen in his hotel room. It wasn't marked "Soap", "French-Milled", or even "Oatmeal". No, this beauty bar proudly bore the label "Cleanse".
This labeling serves a two-fold purpose. For those who can't figure out what to do with the bar of soap, a quick look at the wrapper gives them the hint they need. It also serves as a reminder for the absent-minded. As they are using the bathroom for other purposes, the cheery instruction will remind them that days or weeks have passed since they last participated in this activity and it is time to do it again.
Other complimentary products had similar labels. The tiny bottle of shampoo happily said "Wash" on its side. The hygiene-impaired traveler is lucky that the kind hotel staff has thought to differentiate between these two cleaning products. No one should cleanse their hair when washing is what is called for.
But this got me wondering if we are seeing the start of a trend. Will the box for my next TV be labeled "Watch"? Should I watch the box or the TV? The TV sounds like more fun, but the box actually tells me to gaze upon it.
Will my next my car have a sticker saying "Drive" on the steering wheel in case I forget why I got in it in the first place? Will having "Cut" engraved on the side of scissors keep me from running with them? Do we really need "Spend" printed on our money? I do just fine without the reminder.
Some other "helpful" labels that I do not want to see put into use are:
Besides, by the time I am old enough to need "Brush" on the label of my toothpaste, I probably won't have any teeth left anyway.
This labeling serves a two-fold purpose. For those who can't figure out what to do with the bar of soap, a quick look at the wrapper gives them the hint they need. It also serves as a reminder for the absent-minded. As they are using the bathroom for other purposes, the cheery instruction will remind them that days or weeks have passed since they last participated in this activity and it is time to do it again.
Other complimentary products had similar labels. The tiny bottle of shampoo happily said "Wash" on its side. The hygiene-impaired traveler is lucky that the kind hotel staff has thought to differentiate between these two cleaning products. No one should cleanse their hair when washing is what is called for.
But this got me wondering if we are seeing the start of a trend. Will the box for my next TV be labeled "Watch"? Should I watch the box or the TV? The TV sounds like more fun, but the box actually tells me to gaze upon it.
Will my next my car have a sticker saying "Drive" on the steering wheel in case I forget why I got in it in the first place? Will having "Cut" engraved on the side of scissors keep me from running with them? Do we really need "Spend" printed on our money? I do just fine without the reminder.
Some other "helpful" labels that I do not want to see put into use are:
- "Wipe" printed on toilet paper.
- "Blow" on a Kleenex
- "Shove it" on a suppository (we all know it happens, but who wants to read it?)
- "Dig" on a shovel. What else could it possibly be used for?
Besides, by the time I am old enough to need "Brush" on the label of my toothpaste, I probably won't have any teeth left anyway.
July 25, 2005
What's in a name?
I have noticed that my name isn't working hard enough for me these days. After all, it doesn't give me any special recognition or perks. But I have noticed a few possibilities that will give me the attention I deserve.
Valet - I don't know who this Valet guy is, but he always has the best parking spaces reserved at restaurants or hotels. With my name changed to Valet, I can park in those premium spots whenever I want!
Emergency - This name change would also get me great parking at the hospital near the ER, where there are always signs stating "Emergency Vehicles Only". No parking on the top floor of the parking deck. Also, every store and restaurant has a special exit just for me! Most even have an alarm attached so everyone will see me making my exciting getaway.
Authorized - With this name I can use those handy turn-arounds on the freeway that are marked "Authorized Vehicles Only". I could also gain access to bank vaults and secret military complexes. When asked if I am authorized, I could honestly state, "I am" and flash my new drivers license.
While any of these names will work, I think I will go with my favorite. If you need to find me I'll be at the grocery store in the express lane with a full cart .
Sincerely,
15 Items or Less
Valet - I don't know who this Valet guy is, but he always has the best parking spaces reserved at restaurants or hotels. With my name changed to Valet, I can park in those premium spots whenever I want!
Emergency - This name change would also get me great parking at the hospital near the ER, where there are always signs stating "Emergency Vehicles Only". No parking on the top floor of the parking deck. Also, every store and restaurant has a special exit just for me! Most even have an alarm attached so everyone will see me making my exciting getaway.
Authorized - With this name I can use those handy turn-arounds on the freeway that are marked "Authorized Vehicles Only". I could also gain access to bank vaults and secret military complexes. When asked if I am authorized, I could honestly state, "I am" and flash my new drivers license.
While any of these names will work, I think I will go with my favorite. If you need to find me I'll be at the grocery store in the express lane with a full cart .
Sincerely,
15 Items or Less
May 12, 2005
"Am I Real?" by Dr. Zeus
Every day upon TV,
they have shows called "reality"
I don't do these things I muse,
which makes me just a bit confused.
I've never sung to win a prize,
I've never eaten reindeer's eyes.
I've never lived with total jerks,
except for those I see at work.
I do not have to walk a beam,
to get my lunch and some ice cream.
I don't sell t-shirts on the street,
to get a job in Donald's suite.
I've not been stranded with a tribe,
and had to outwit and survive.
I've never had my ride pimped out,
by burly men who yell and pout.
Is this what I'm supposed to do?
I swear I did not have a clue!
And If I don't then am I real?
Am I the one whose life's surreal?
I must find a chance right now,
to walk cross-country with a cow.
Should I get my look redone,
or maybe pick my Dad's new son?
There must be a way for me,
to make my life just like TV.
My old ways I will now doff
or else I might be voted off!
they have shows called "reality"
I don't do these things I muse,
which makes me just a bit confused.
I've never sung to win a prize,
I've never eaten reindeer's eyes.
I've never lived with total jerks,
except for those I see at work.
I do not have to walk a beam,
to get my lunch and some ice cream.
I don't sell t-shirts on the street,
to get a job in Donald's suite.
I've not been stranded with a tribe,
and had to outwit and survive.
I've never had my ride pimped out,
by burly men who yell and pout.
Is this what I'm supposed to do?
I swear I did not have a clue!
And If I don't then am I real?
Am I the one whose life's surreal?
I must find a chance right now,
to walk cross-country with a cow.
Should I get my look redone,
or maybe pick my Dad's new son?
There must be a way for me,
to make my life just like TV.
My old ways I will now doff
or else I might be voted off!
April 24, 2005
Krazy Karaoke - "It Could Snow"
This song is in honor of the snow storm that has hit Michigan this weekend.
To be sung to the tune of "Let It Snow".
To be sung to the tune of "Let It Snow".
It's April and the weather is frightful,
Just last week it was delightful.
But in Michigan, don't you know?
It could snow, It could snow, It could snow!
It really don't matter what season,
Or for any kind of reason.
Any time it could decide to blow
It could snow, It could snow, It could snow!
I really should be outside, and doing some work in the yard.
But since the calendar lied, that would really be hard!
Just a week and April is over;
And temps should not get lower.
But in Michigan you never know,
It could snow, It could snow, It could snow!
April 13, 2005
Caution! Body Work Ahead!
As the years have passed I have noticed changes in my body that are rather startling. While change is inevitable, as a young man I had probably envisioned shifting into the lean physique of a sprinter, instead of the lumpy profile of a couch potato. Even at the tender age of 42 I wonder what will come next, as I morph into something I don't quite recognize.
For example, for a good many years now I have had a receding hairline. This has been fine with me; less hair to maintain on a daily basis being a plus. I have hair from the ears back, and over the top of my head. I also have a little tuft of hair on top near my forehead (a.k.a"The wisp" according to my so-called loving family) that stubbornly stands where most other hair has picked up roots and gone away.
Recent photographs have convinced me that I have photo-insensitive hair. When I look in the mirror I see hair up there. Not a lot, granted, but there is still something up there. When I look at recent pictures I think to myself, "Holy cow, I look like Jean-Luc Picard". Not a strand is visible on the top of my head, and believe me I looked. And despite what some may think, I have not drawn "hair" on my mirror!
Another change I have noticed is a breakdown in my abdominal walls. When I was just a lad I had a pretty trim stomach. In my teens I discovered a revolutionary nutrition program called OINKK, which has a base diet of Oreos, Ice cream, Nachos, and Krispy Kreme donuts. Per the manual, I exercise daily by getting up to retrieve Oreos and other OINKK staples, and yet my tummy has swelled the last few years. I have found no reason for this in the nutrition guide, but I have taken it upon myself to rectify the situation by increasing my exercise. Now I get up twice as much as before to get extra helpings of nachos. Only time will tell if my body can sustain this vigorous level of physical activity.
I have no idea what further changes await me as I slide out of my 40s, but I'm sure they won't be pleasant. Who knows what strange and perverse sights and sensations lurk in the bodies of aging men? I sure don't know, but I think I'm going to find out.
For example, for a good many years now I have had a receding hairline. This has been fine with me; less hair to maintain on a daily basis being a plus. I have hair from the ears back, and over the top of my head. I also have a little tuft of hair on top near my forehead (a.k.a"The wisp" according to my so-called loving family) that stubbornly stands where most other hair has picked up roots and gone away.
Recent photographs have convinced me that I have photo-insensitive hair. When I look in the mirror I see hair up there. Not a lot, granted, but there is still something up there. When I look at recent pictures I think to myself, "Holy cow, I look like Jean-Luc Picard". Not a strand is visible on the top of my head, and believe me I looked. And despite what some may think, I have not drawn "hair" on my mirror!
Another change I have noticed is a breakdown in my abdominal walls. When I was just a lad I had a pretty trim stomach. In my teens I discovered a revolutionary nutrition program called OINKK, which has a base diet of Oreos, Ice cream, Nachos, and Krispy Kreme donuts. Per the manual, I exercise daily by getting up to retrieve Oreos and other OINKK staples, and yet my tummy has swelled the last few years. I have found no reason for this in the nutrition guide, but I have taken it upon myself to rectify the situation by increasing my exercise. Now I get up twice as much as before to get extra helpings of nachos. Only time will tell if my body can sustain this vigorous level of physical activity.
I have no idea what further changes await me as I slide out of my 40s, but I'm sure they won't be pleasant. Who knows what strange and perverse sights and sensations lurk in the bodies of aging men? I sure don't know, but I think I'm going to find out.
March 21, 2005
Luxury Car Attitude
Ask any luxury car dealer and they will tell you that their product will help you send a message to the rest of the world. Each car has a specific attitude that reflects on the driver. But just what are these cars saying?
Mercedes-Benz
What are you doing on my road?
BMW
Hey! Get of my way! I'm driving a BMW!
Lexus
Man, I wish I could afford a Mercedes.
Porsche
Hey! Get of my way! I'm driving a Porsche!
Acura
Man, I wish I could afford a Lexus.
Jaguar
Humph! I'm to rich to drive fast.
Cadillac
Look at me! Look at me! Don'tcha think I'm cool?
Lincoln
I'm old, so stay out of my way because I don't care if I die!
Mercedes-Benz
What are you doing on my road?
BMW
Hey! Get of my way! I'm driving a BMW!
Lexus
Man, I wish I could afford a Mercedes.
Porsche
Hey! Get of my way! I'm driving a Porsche!
Acura
Man, I wish I could afford a Lexus.
Jaguar
Humph! I'm to rich to drive fast.
Cadillac
Look at me! Look at me! Don'tcha think I'm cool?
Lincoln
I'm old, so stay out of my way because I don't care if I die!
March 12, 2005
Krazy Karaoke - "Microsoft Blues"
To be sung to the tune of "I'm Bad, I'm Nationwide" by ZZ Top.
My wife is on the PC using Microsoft Word,
Things are coming out of her mouth that I have never heard.
She's cussing and swearing 'cause her document's wrong,
She made such a fuss that I had to write this song.
She's blue, Microsoft Blues
Yeah, she's blue, Microsoft BluesHer bullets won't indent and her format is a wreck
I'd tell her to start over, but then she'd give me heck.
Her paragraph is hanging out a little too far,
It's enough to make me want to escape in the car
Oh, she's blue, Microsoft Blues
Yeah, she's blue, Microsoft Blues
She really hates Word and she don't like Excel,
She'll tell you that Gates is a devil outta Hell.
She wishes for WordPerfect and for Lotus, too.
If she had one of those, she'd know just what to do.Oh, she's blue, Microsoft Blues.
Yeah, she's blue, blue, blue, blue, blue ... Microsoft Blues.
March 10, 2005
She said what?!?
Yesterday my wife came to me and said, "We just got an e-mail from our internet service provider and they are going to double our ..."
Omigod! omigod! She's going to say "rates"! Ooo-migod! screamed my brain.
"...speed," she finished.
Omigod! They're doubling our rates!
Yo, brainiac! Listen up, said Leftear, she said "speed".
Are, are you sure? stammered my grey matter.
Of course I'm sure. Hey, Rightie! What did you hear?
I heard what you heard Lefty, said Rightear, eager to please. She said "speed".
Boy I hope so, said the brain, but I'm still not sure. Eyes, what did you see?
It's hard to be certain, started Righteye.
As we were starting to roll up into our sockets, continued Lefteye.
But it certainly looked like she said "speed", the eyes said together.
You're sure? my brain asked.
Oh, indubitably, said Righteye, although I'm not as clear as Lefteye.
Please, stop it, said Lefteye, blushing. We both know you are the sharpest. But I definitely think I saw "speed".
Oh no, you're the sharpest.
Please, I've got that astigmatism thing going.
How about you, said my brain to the tongue, interrupting the eyes. What do you think?
Dude, I don't know what I'M saying most of the time, droned the tongue. I taste and I talk, don't expect more than that.
All right, said my brain, hope starting to grow. Let's take a vote. All in favor of "speed"?
Aye! said Leftear.
Aye! said Rightear.
Me! said the eyes.
What-ever! said the tongue.
I cleared my parched throat, plastered a weak smile on my face, and said, "That's great."
"Are you OK?", she asked.
"Sure, I'm fine. I'm just glad it's good news."
Omigod! omigod! She's going to say "rates"! Ooo-migod! screamed my brain.
"...speed," she finished.
Omigod! They're doubling our rates!
Yo, brainiac! Listen up, said Leftear, she said "speed".
Are, are you sure? stammered my grey matter.
Of course I'm sure. Hey, Rightie! What did you hear?
I heard what you heard Lefty, said Rightear, eager to please. She said "speed".
Boy I hope so, said the brain, but I'm still not sure. Eyes, what did you see?
It's hard to be certain, started Righteye.
As we were starting to roll up into our sockets, continued Lefteye.
But it certainly looked like she said "speed", the eyes said together.
You're sure? my brain asked.
Oh, indubitably, said Righteye, although I'm not as clear as Lefteye.
Please, stop it, said Lefteye, blushing. We both know you are the sharpest. But I definitely think I saw "speed".
Oh no, you're the sharpest.
Please, I've got that astigmatism thing going.
How about you, said my brain to the tongue, interrupting the eyes. What do you think?
Dude, I don't know what I'M saying most of the time, droned the tongue. I taste and I talk, don't expect more than that.
All right, said my brain, hope starting to grow. Let's take a vote. All in favor of "speed"?
Aye! said Leftear.
Aye! said Rightear.
Me! said the eyes.
What-ever! said the tongue.
I cleared my parched throat, plastered a weak smile on my face, and said, "That's great."
"Are you OK?", she asked.
"Sure, I'm fine. I'm just glad it's good news."
March 02, 2005
Happy Birthday Ted Geisel??
Today's the day! The time has come!
It is the birthday of a special one.
"Who is this man?" the Lorax said.
It's Dr. Seuss, also known as Ted.
"Hooray! A birthday" said the Cat,
"Let's send him a gift; a scarf or a hat!"
"No, let's send him eggs, and lots of ham
There's nothin' else like them," said Sam I Am.
"But wait," I said, and quelled the whole throng
"I think he's dead. Yes, I'm sure Ted is gone"
"Then tell me why," the Grinch growled at me,
"There are birthday wishes today on TV!"
I scratched my puzzler until my puzzler was sore.
This was certainly strange, and I thought some more.
It was certainly true that Ted was gone,
So who celebrates birthdays when we move on?
We party for Elvis, and John Lennon, too.
But is it for them that we make such a coo?
Isn't it stupid for us to count all the years,
that they might have had if they were still here?
I think it's not right, so no birthday for Ted.
But Seuss lives on and his books are still read.
So to Ted "Farewell!" and thanks for the gift,
For reading Dr. Seuss gives us all a lift.
Congrats Dr. Seuss, who we love and adore.
Happy Birthday to you, and a 101 more!
It is the birthday of a special one.
"Who is this man?" the Lorax said.
It's Dr. Seuss, also known as Ted.
"Hooray! A birthday" said the Cat,
"Let's send him a gift; a scarf or a hat!"
"No, let's send him eggs, and lots of ham
There's nothin' else like them," said Sam I Am.
"But wait," I said, and quelled the whole throng
"I think he's dead. Yes, I'm sure Ted is gone"
"Then tell me why," the Grinch growled at me,
"There are birthday wishes today on TV!"
I scratched my puzzler until my puzzler was sore.
This was certainly strange, and I thought some more.
It was certainly true that Ted was gone,
So who celebrates birthdays when we move on?
We party for Elvis, and John Lennon, too.
But is it for them that we make such a coo?
Isn't it stupid for us to count all the years,
that they might have had if they were still here?
I think it's not right, so no birthday for Ted.
But Seuss lives on and his books are still read.
So to Ted "Farewell!" and thanks for the gift,
For reading Dr. Seuss gives us all a lift.
Congrats Dr. Seuss, who we love and adore.
Happy Birthday to you, and a 101 more!
February 17, 2005
@*$%# Groundhog!
We had a taste of spring here late last week with temperatures in the 40's. The snow was melting, the sun was shining. It was beautiful.
Then the curse of the groundhog came into effect. Phil the groundhog can't be wrong with his prediction of 6 more weeks of winter, so our early spring was short-circuited due to the whims of a RODENT ! It's just not fair. After all, he doesn't even live in the ground anymore! What's his incentive to bless us with an early spring? Groundhogs hibernate during the winter. So why does Phil always give us six more weeks of winter? Because he's ticked that he got awakened to give a weather prediction! Besides, five minutes after ruining our early spring he's back dreaming about she-hogs, so he's happy to get an extra-long nap at the end of the winter.
So, I think it's time that we IMPEACH THE 'HOG. These abuses of meteorological power have got to stop. I am campaigning that Phil the groundhog be removed from office and replaced by a nice gerbil. Or a bunny. Or maybe a gopher. Any rodent will do just so they like spring better than winter.
To help with the IMPEACH THE 'HOG campaign you can send me money, preferably tens and twenties. Every little bit helps. Also, get your IMPEACH THE 'HOG yard sign, which will be available as soon as the ground thaws enough. Thank you for your support!
Then the curse of the groundhog came into effect. Phil the groundhog can't be wrong with his prediction of 6 more weeks of winter, so our early spring was short-circuited due to the whims of a RODENT ! It's just not fair. After all, he doesn't even live in the ground anymore! What's his incentive to bless us with an early spring? Groundhogs hibernate during the winter. So why does Phil always give us six more weeks of winter? Because he's ticked that he got awakened to give a weather prediction! Besides, five minutes after ruining our early spring he's back dreaming about she-hogs, so he's happy to get an extra-long nap at the end of the winter.
So, I think it's time that we IMPEACH THE 'HOG. These abuses of meteorological power have got to stop. I am campaigning that Phil the groundhog be removed from office and replaced by a nice gerbil. Or a bunny. Or maybe a gopher. Any rodent will do just so they like spring better than winter.
To help with the IMPEACH THE 'HOG campaign you can send me money, preferably tens and twenties. Every little bit helps. Also, get your IMPEACH THE 'HOG yard sign, which will be available as soon as the ground thaws enough. Thank you for your support!
February 14, 2005
Inclement Weather Increases Stupidity!
This morning we had some lovely Michigan weather. Freezing rain and sleet changing to rain. Yummy! But hey, it's February in the Winter Wonderland. Most people might think that Michiganders are uniquely qualified to drive through all kinds of weather since we seem to get all kinds here (sometimes in a single day), but alas that is not the case.
I noticed as I carefully navigated the slippery streets that the we roadways actually seems to promote stupidity. For instance, a car is waiting to turn onto the road, but there is traffic coming. "Should I go?" the dumb person wonders. The traffic is too close and moving a bit to fast if the roads were dry, but now that they are wet anything goes.
So the dumb person moves out in front of traffic and creeps up to his cruising speed. Such a person always chooses a speed which is always is ten mph below the average speed. This leaves the poor souls already on the road to frantically maneuver to prevent the merging of automobiles that would be accompanied by crashes, glass breaking, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.
Now, you might think that situation described above would be a rare occurrence, but I saw it no less than six times during a half-hour drive. Most of the time the sumb person pulkled out in front of me. Stupidity is out there people, and it's waiting to cut you off.
And if you are one of these dumb people, that finger I waved at you was just my way of wishing you a great day.
I noticed as I carefully navigated the slippery streets that the we roadways actually seems to promote stupidity. For instance, a car is waiting to turn onto the road, but there is traffic coming. "Should I go?" the dumb person wonders. The traffic is too close and moving a bit to fast if the roads were dry, but now that they are wet anything goes.
So the dumb person moves out in front of traffic and creeps up to his cruising speed. Such a person always chooses a speed which is always is ten mph below the average speed. This leaves the poor souls already on the road to frantically maneuver to prevent the merging of automobiles that would be accompanied by crashes, glass breaking, wailing, and gnashing of teeth.
Now, you might think that situation described above would be a rare occurrence, but I saw it no less than six times during a half-hour drive. Most of the time the sumb person pulkled out in front of me. Stupidity is out there people, and it's waiting to cut you off.
And if you are one of these dumb people, that finger I waved at you was just my way of wishing you a great day.
February 12, 2005
Baggy Pants
Recently the lawmakers in the state of Virginia were considering a $50 fine on those individuals that wore their pants down low and showed more than they're supposed to show. While the bill was probably targeting teens who like to wear their jeans as close to their knees as possible, others would have been affected as well.
Violators would be around every corner. Pop stars like Britney Spears love to go low and show as much as possible. Would this change if Britney came to Virginia? Would she get a special wardrobe for concerts there? Would we actually get see her in polyester pants that went OVER her hips?
Who hasn't seen or heard of a plumber who shows a bit too much behind while crawling under a sink? What would the impact be on the local guy whose stomach prevents pulling his pants up? Would this be a beer-belly tax? Do droopy diapers count? Does a toddler's slipping pants merit a fine?
Alas, we will never know as Virginia lawmakers decided to kill the bill last week. I guess they won't be changing their motto to "The No Butt State" any time soon. Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing Britney in a muumuu.
Violators would be around every corner. Pop stars like Britney Spears love to go low and show as much as possible. Would this change if Britney came to Virginia? Would she get a special wardrobe for concerts there? Would we actually get see her in polyester pants that went OVER her hips?
Who hasn't seen or heard of a plumber who shows a bit too much behind while crawling under a sink? What would the impact be on the local guy whose stomach prevents pulling his pants up? Would this be a beer-belly tax? Do droopy diapers count? Does a toddler's slipping pants merit a fine?
Alas, we will never know as Virginia lawmakers decided to kill the bill last week. I guess they won't be changing their motto to "The No Butt State" any time soon. Too bad, I was looking forward to seeing Britney in a muumuu.
New blog...Waaah!
Yep, yet another new blog littering the 'net. Just imagine the old cyber doc lifting it by the ankles and giving to a firm swat on the behind. As its crying fills our ears we can be sure: it ... is ... alive!
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